Monday, September 22, 2008

drop me on a hard surface, only to come back to find me scattered

don't spit your venomous darts at me, man.
can't you see?
i just want us to be free-
free to be however you are, i don't need you to agree
some respect is all i ask
we're equals after all, you and i
not one is holier than the other.
forget the pretense.
drop the "I'm too good for this" elitist-intellectual-babble
gossip mongers never went too far 
so try...
give a little effort to open your mind, 
accept that we are different-
of the same species? yes
of a different race? perhaps
different background? 
different creed?
what does it mean to be different anyways?
this isn't just some hippie talk, to be pushed into the backdrop, a merely stated movement.
we're in for the long haul, folks.
diplomacy isn't all that bad.
'cause in the end, aren't we all just neighbors trying to understand?


Thursday, September 11, 2008

notes on a body (short)

trying to reclaim your life from the ravages of disease and ailment is difficult; so so difficult. fixing it through surgery seems only to aggravate. what is one to do. prevention is key. healthy lifestyles. but increasingly getting harder. need to rethink the processes of which one goes about surviving.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Lawrence on the Grand Inquisitor

Perhaps I have been too hasty in pointing out. 
But point I will. 
Read D.H. Lawrence's critique on Dostoevsky's chap "The Grand Inquisitor" 
The need of miracle, mystery, and authority resonantes throughout the whole of mankind. 
I will leave quotes for later. 

Friday, September 5, 2008

glimpse

a strange feeling had dawned on me the other night.
it was the thought that I did not belong to myself.
essentially I am a traveler.
I am a vehicle of use.
A vessel of experience in life.
I belong to a higher order of consciousness.
to the continual.
My life is just a speck in the grand.
It does not mean that I am useless,
or that life is futile.
On the contrary,
it is just the opposite.
I am obligated,
it is a duty,
to respond to all living creatures in a respectful,
dignified manner.
to realize that we all are equals.
to encourage and help one another.
we are the same.
our experience differ at this space-time,
but does not mean we will not experience,
or did not experience.
it is a symbiosis.
it is no better, no worse.
we are reaching complete unity.
God.
soon.

Friday, August 22, 2008

grin

Stuff of the week:

1) British reality model show- "Britain's Missing Top Model" : 8 girls with disabilities compete for modeling competition.

2) Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamazov

3) U.S. News 2008 List of Top Colleges

4) freerice.com for vocab

Friday, August 15, 2008

yes'sir

The Olympics are simply amazing. Go watch. First week down.

Monday, August 4, 2008

walking lies

people are walking vanity of vanities.
useless.
bickering fools.
achievements made to destroy.
capable of only a decent few deeds.
for show.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

A physical and blood work

Well, I'm down to a week a few days now. I'm feeling incredibly impatient and certainly anxious. Not an incredible amount of events have taken place since my last few entries. Mainly my life has pertained to books (read "What if our world is their heaven?" - the last conversations with PKD, The Active Side of Infinity, The Divine Invasion). I saw the movie "Fur" (a Diane Arbus fictionalized account film) starring Robert Downey Jr and Nicole Kidman. I thought it quite romantic and nicely shot. I liked the storyline and the costuming was great. Would Ms. Arbus have enjoyed it though? That remains to be known. Another great film I saw recently was "Wall-E", Pixar's latest animation. I have to say they keep churning out bigger and better animations! With each of their creations being quite different from the previous. A bit more bleak but superb, nonetheless. Now, I have to finish watching this Alex Gray documentary on his art and the sacred passage of healing through art. His work is amazing in its vividness of color, its richness, and its incredible transcendental imagery. I'm usually not a big fan of transcendental, abstracted artwork. But, his work is a bit more realistic in its technique and the content is unparalleled to any other. It makes me want to drop some again.

On to the next, I have to quickly work through this appeals process. Naturally, because this doctor that had operated and is going to operate again soon, is out of network. It's like pulling teeth but so much more tedious. I mean I haven't even begun the actual process of filing.. ah, I'm just getting myself overworked. So, we shall see in this waiting game. I have faith.

Ok, it's true I've retreated to even more reclusive ways now than before. I'm trying to stay healthy until the check-in, so that is part of it. The other is just feeling a bit awkward. It's all my own doing and in my own head. But in the meantime, well, I'm laying low.

A quick overview. My brother is engaged to his girlfriend, and they are here in Miami now. Flash ran away or was scooped up. I lost a really good friend. I'm ready to sign up for classes for the fall. I'm back on facebook. I'm planning on moving into a house. And my life might really, actually about to change, forever.

Monday, June 2, 2008

fork is in

I'm reading Frank J. Tipler's book "The Physics of Christianity" and it is just the most wildly speculative reading EVER. Every couple of pages that I read I have to set it down. It's highly controversial. It's outspoken. It's brash. But, I love it. I love radical theories that differ from the mainstream. He's tickling my brain, even if it proves to be purely fiction in the end. (who really knows though)

Sunday, June 1, 2008

I'm going to skip divided

I'm not going to complete that previous story. I'm a month late and too much else has lapsed for me to recount. I do have to return again in July to New York, the tickets have been purchased and everything. It's a lazy Sunday afternoon and in typical lazy Sunday afternoons, I'm in front of my computer writing. I could write about this weekend. I could write about getting sloshed at a gay bar. I could write about seeing Sex and the City, the ultimate chick flick. I could write about seeing my honey for like 2 minutes. I could write about watching yet another chick flick - 2 Days in Paris. I could write about my workout. And waitaminute here, I just did. So there. But it all seems so lackadaisical. Not that I don't love my sweety, not that I don't enjoy going out sometimes, nor enjoy watching chick flicks (at times). But seriously, doesn't it almost seem pointless sometimes?

I'm definitely glad I got to see some of the greatest friends of mine this weekend. People that I haven't seen since ... the Radiohead concert was it? I believe so. But I feel distant. Almost like I can't relate right now. I feel like I can't relate to anyone really. That feeling of being at peace has almost slipped away. Sometimes I can't decipher my own feelings. Is it a void? What is it? So I shall go to New York again, have surgery, and come back. I start school in August. I'm definitely excited about the prospect of attending classes again. But even that doesn't seem to fill or qualify. I can't explain the feeling I have, so I've been immersing myself again in reading. I have goals of reading more public health materials and classics this summer. It's what you do when you feel as if this world is not your home. I know I sound all ridiculously esoteric and all. It's just that I don't have the words to express the feelings. The divide feels deeper and darker.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

more on the previous passage

Ok, now where was I? And is this all that interesting? Not sure. But again, I blog more for my own "remembrance of the things past". Heh. When we checked out on Sunday, we took an Allstate drive to Queens again. The elderly couple had not yet returned when we arrived at 4ish, but we were allowed in because naturally there are other guests living in that house. The older gentleman that opened the door was a tall, Anglo man who started speaking to me in Mandarin! Yeah gather my surprise. But I've come to find out- there are a lot of people who speak more than one language there, and conversationally too! Apparently he also spoke some Creole. I sat in the living room, slumped over, and unbelievably drained for some reason. More hours in waiting, while my mother scurried about to the nearest pharmacy for my necessary pill pick ups. Seriously, this mother of mine did way too much work these past weeks. I am not about to take advantage of it either, I know, I know, I was recovering so I shouldn't be so harsh on myself, 'sides she's my mother right?

By the time the couple arrived back at the house it was nearly 7. Then we get the news that Sister Yeoh is unwell and that she had started to feel unwell since the previous Wed. Uh oh. We need to move again. So after a bout of calls and haranguing we were sent to Harlem. With yet another older Chinese woman. There was hassling with the travel arrangements-we couldn't very well take the subway with me just having gotten out of the hospital and all the darn luggage to boot, so one of the brothers (who's lived in NYC all his life) was (and pretty much more coerced I think) set to take us in his compact car to the city, yet again. By this time it was 9:30. It took us another hr and a half to actually get there. All the streets were closed off. The place was located in this weird off street. But we had the scenic route of 5th ave, Central Park, the Metropolitan Opera House (where the brother worked), some crew filming late night (some mention of Sex and the City perhaps)... The place where we stayed was right next to the Harlem Hospital. It was a nursing home, but for a nursing home it was quite nice. She lived on the 6th floor and paid a fixed rate of $168 a month.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

It was Saturday estimated time 5pm on flight 1485 nonstop to Ft. Laud

The summary of these past 2 weeks have been frenetic, harried, and downright bizarre in some sense. I feel as if I have been floating really. It could also be all the drugs I had intravenously coursing through my veins just as well though. (Not to mention- other pills to be taken orally-incl. more antibiotics, steroids, nexsium -can't spell-but helps with the stomaching of steroids, some pain killers too-they prescribed Vicodin and now acetaminophen with codeine... seriously I say all this, but I hate pills.) Anyways, onwards ... But I've come to realize that being in another city (and now blogging about it, yawn - bored, cliche, i know) thousands of miles away from the familiar-is well, not altogether unfamiliar actually ( maybe i need to go to somewhere like Istanbul or something, yea that might be it, anyways, i detract). Some points to mention. I've had the most minimal interaction with technology in these past 2 weeks. No internet connection. No television. No newspaper. Hell the last day I was leaving , I didn't even know the Pope himself was in town. Only later riding in the cartel and seeing all of east side being barricaded did we find out. Oops!

I spent most of Monday, April 7th taking the AirTrain from JFK to Queens and awaiting the arrival of supposed brother X . I spent three nights with a 92 year old Chinese grandmother and her husband in their grand estate of a home in the Jamaica Estates ( I kept seeing a stream of people coming in that lived there, I never did find out how many floors there were in that house, sheesh!) It was conveniently located next to the church in Queens. I ate mostly leftover Chinese food those first days. My main point of venture was on Tuesday, the 8th. I boarded the F subway train from 179th Hillside inbound to Manhattan. Along the way of walking to the subway station I had a woman yell at me for passing her on the street. These kind of things happened quite frequently. Once I boarded the subway - it was pretty smooth sailing. That day I ended up walking mostly. Passing by the south side of Central Park through Time Warner and Columbus Circle. I met Dr. Levithin again, paid my $350 chump change and walked down the block to my next appointment at Roosevelt Hospital on 10th Ave with Dr. B. There I sat in the amassed waiting area for nearly 4 hrs (they usually saw the kids first) Quite a bit of yamaicas that day too. When I saw Dr. B I had the reassurance of my embo/angio treatment on that upcoming Thurs. I met the whole staff - Susie, Michelle, Emma, Trevor, Millie... Wonderful caring people. I left the hospital around 5:45. I went down the street to a bento box type restaurant and ate like a ravished dog. $10! However, my outing for that day was not over as I had promised Abs a Kinokuniya visit. I ended up walking extra miles parallel to the street I meant to be on. I retraced my steps and by the time I rerouted and found the place (right next to Bryant Park) it was like 7:15. Oh yeah and in the midst of all of this, I accidentally turned on 42nd only to land smack in the rush hour traffic mayhem of Times Square. smart. Continuing... I stayed at the store until almost 8 PM -closing time. I managed to scare the bejeebus out of sister Yeoh (and she missed the meeting). I ended up on her doorstep like almost 9 PM and because of this misadventure I decided not to venture out at all on Wed. I opted to sit and wait on my mother's arrival to NYC. When she arrived I set the alarm early on Thurs. I kept waking up every other hour that night. We woke up, got dressed and got to the hospital on time. I was kept in the holding area until almost noon because there was a baby in the Radiology room having a double procedure. But 'twas okay. I was wheeled in and sedated. I woke up in recovery with the worst abdominal cramps of life (probably because I didn't have a proper poop session earlier). But the nurses attended and gave me something for it. After a bit of time I was sent upstairs to the patient room. Drifting in and out of consciousness with the hum of the machines and IV.

---- >>

I remained in the hospital -not entirely bed-ridden, but practically, for the next 3 days. I had a great view of luxury lofts outside my 8th floor window. The patient next to me in block A had a tumor removed from her spine. She had this crazy situation where she had to use a straight catheter to make herself pee, because her nerves had not yet "woken up" around that area. What a bummer. Her husband and her were artists. She of the designer corporate type and her husband the sensitive painter. The nicest people ever! She even offered us a place to stay -since she lived like 20 blocks uptown. My goodness. Days spent in the hospital were not altogether too bad. Hospital food was the same ol' bland-ol'. Nurses came and changed shifts - some were more attentive than others. My mother opted to stay by my bedside for all the days I was in the hospital. Poor thing! Such an uncomfortable place to be for days I tell you. I was to be discharged on Saturday, but because of our hospitality situation (they were out of town until Sunday) I wasn't released until Sunday afternoon-much to the dismay of the day shift PA. ... to be continued

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

your words

I pulled the words tightly into my mouth. I started to masticate them. Bite bite. Did it taste good? It was hard to tell. I got a growing dulling ache in my head from chewing so much. What did I think I was going to accomplish by chewing them? I want a deep constitution. I want those words to wrap around my intestines in a real gut-wrenching mode. Only later did I realize I needed to retch something fierce.